It seems I have got so much to say. So much is still, yet everything is moving. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. I keep my emotions locked in a high tower, my demons guarding the door. Yet I know for a fact that I express my emotions the best way, when I do.

In words, on paper.

I am scared to be vulnerable. Yet my writing is at it’s peak when I am most exposed.

Things are changing. I can feel it in my bones. I can hardly wait. Yet the chill never goes away. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something to shatter. I am scared that my dreams will be snatched way. I sleep with my eyes open.

Last night I stayed awake replaying all the uncertainties in my mind. I have waited too long for this. Longer than either of my friends around me. They are almost at the top but I am just starting.

Someone asked me yesterday. Why am I so positive? Why I am practically glowing? Am I not scared that my happiness will cause it to jinx it?

I guess I am. I am more scared than any of you. But you see I can’t afford to be cautious.Β  Hope is my only salvation. Hope is what keeps me alive.

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I am on the brink of something I have been waiting for so long that I am scared to hold in my hands, afraid that it might slip and break. I am scared, happy, excited. I want my world to start moving asap. Start moving before something could jinx it.

I might not be ready for what is coming but I am ready to bend and fall. To learn and to rise. But what I am not ready is to stand staggered for one second long.

I know change is coming and I can hardly wait.

 

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— my thoughts : raw

1:34am , March 9, 2018

 

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