I am suspended from the sky

upside down

caged in my darkness

chained by my anxiety

moving to and fro

like a damaged clock

suspended in time.

 

Little griffons feast

on my decaying flesh

clean my bones

polish it with their spit

and my spilling blood.

 

—–

Something hurts.

 

I know it is not my broken flesh

my splattering blood

my disintegrating tissues

my tangled nerves.

 

Maybe my cracked soul

is trying to sew itself back together,

Maybe my brittle heart

is trying to piece itself together.

But it hurts.

—-

I am in my room

filled upto the brim with laughter and champagne

with dancing Chinese fairy lights

with peeling lemony yellow walls.

 

Nothing is happening but

everything is in chaos.

I am with everyone

yet lonely as a lost sparrow

watching the regale

from a hanging branch

outside the kitchen window.

—-

I can still taste the bitter blood,

smell the rotting flesh

hear the echo of my wretched scream

feel the pain of my dying emotions.

 

I know the symptoms

I know what will happen next

Yet I know not what to do.

It is funny like that.

—

I fold my knees and hands

in diagonal squares and wait

wait for my disintegration

wait for my decomposition.

 

I am lost in eerie black unknown

I am on the path to self destruction

I am struggling for my sanity

I am stagnant.

 

But the world is pacing

a blur before my eyes.

The noose is tightening

but the rope with which

my cage is hanging

is unravelling

thread by thread.

 

I know it will not be able to hold

the weight of my chaos and

will fall off

into the unknown

and I will finally be free.

 

But till then

it hurts.

 

It fucking hurts.

——

( Inspired by:  Sabrina Benaim – “Explaining My Depression to My Mother”

This probably is the best you will hear about it. )